Title:
Lunar Base Lost
Category and Genre:
Adult SCI-FI
Word Count:
89,000
Query:
LUNAR BASE LOST is set in an underground moon colony that lost contact with Earth after nuclear war broke out over fifty years ago. Lunar Base Three hangs on by maintaining a strict society and limiting its population. Isabela (Izzy) Rodriguez is assistant to Presider Barbara Graham. Barbara’s more relaxed policies, like making physical exercise optional for some colonists, have politically split the moon base. When Matthew Graham and his wife become pregnant, their unborn child exceeds the population capacity. Barbara must be euthanized. Since Matthew opposes his mother’s policies, Barbara suspects the pregnancy is politically motivated and urges Izzy to run for her office. As the baby’s birth looms, Izzy and Matthew campaign for the colony’s votes. When Matthew exposes Izzy’s secret after Barbara dies, the election spirals into violence and jeopardizes the survival of the moon base.
First 250 Words:
Each time the curtain fluttered, Izzy, and those that needed to be here and those that didn’t need to be here but were here anyway, would jump. Once when the nurse came out, a quiet gasp echoed off the round metal walls. But the nurse silently picked up a stethoscope from her supply cart and went back behind that curtain.
Exceptionally clear stakes and conflict in the summary. A couple possible wrench-turns to tighten:
– no need to mention Barbara’s exact policies, and one that kinda seems low-stakes at that. Maybe say, “Barbara’s controversial policies have polarized the base.”
– it took me a minute to figure out all the relationships – Barbara is Matthew’s mom? Why is she the one to be euthanized – she’s the eldest? I get it, but explicit context of the relationships helps me move faster and right into the plot
250 –
Fantastic first paragraph. Since it’s a dramatic moment, maybe cut out stage direction like setting up chairs. Is Billy important later on? If not consider moving him since we’ll get attached.
Thanks for the chance to comment and hope you and the Moon Base make it out alive…
Query – I immediately struggled with a plot point finishing up the query. What society, that limits members, would euthanize its leader for a newborn? Logically that stuck with me and left me with a feeling of disbelief (beyond suspension of belief). If they’ve gone this far to survive, stable leadership would be key. I’m guessing it may be because she’s the oldest, but that’s a random guess.
The hook is strong from the start and you provide a solid overview of the novel’s conflict, but you have room for another sentence or two to expand a bit. Barbara feels like she’d be a focus, but it feels like she dies without much public protest.
First 250 – A good start to world building, which will be key. The first line is flat for me. It’s a bit long and confusing with no real payoff in the first paragraph or first 250. There’s a lot of description with only vague action. I’m guessing it works well over the course of the chapter which is part of the challenge when limited to 250 words. The description is clear and you avoided passive flow, so it is easy for the reader to stay in the story. It’s well-written, but feels more like a flashback or mid-section of a chapter than a kick-off to a novel.
Holy crap! This story is intense! Nice job!
Overall, I’d say a good query, sharp, clean, to the point, but I think you need to explain a few things. Just tiny changes, like, “When the president’s son, Matthew…” (because I didn’t get that at first, even with the same last name). Also, “Barbara must be euthanized *because this is the rule*.” (But you’ll write it much better than I just did. 🙂 Then, maybe spell it out for us – “Barbara suspects her son wants her dead to steal her power…” Finally, that last sentence is tricky – you kind of spring the fact that Izzy has a secret and Barbara is dead on us all at once. Could you fine tune that a little, or leave Barbara’s death out of it completely? Lastly, I might leave out how Lunar Base Three is related to Earth. I began the query thinking it would be about its relationship to Earth, but it sounds like it’s not, so I might cut that and get right into the politics going on in the story.
Your first 250 are really good. I like it! This story is something I’ve never seen before in this kind of setting. It’s fresh. Good luck!